Scared STIFF
by Breath-of-twilight
Summary: Edward delves into the world of 'the lil blue pill' never once considering the dire consequences. Come see what pops up.
1. Chapter 1

**FML Contest**

**Title:** Scared STIFF – The Adventures of the one-eyed rising purple pussy beater.

**Pen name:** Breath-of-twilight & Fragile Human

**Characters:** Bella x Edward

**Disclaimer:** Twilight and all recognizable character belong to the magnificent Stephenie Meyer, we just enjoy making them doing crazy things.

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**Prompt - Today, I took my first Viagra. It worked great, but "Wally, the one-eyed wonder-weasel" would not return to "hiding". After 4 hours, I was in mortal aching pain, and went to my doctor for a shot and sedative. My wife, the doctor, and the nurse could not stifle their laughter. FML**

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**Authors note:**

**Breath-of-twilight and Fragile Human decided to use their shared brain and this is what came of it. Much thanks for giving this lil 'sexin' drabble a shot. Hope you enjoy the show.**

**We'd love it if you put this on alert so we can let you know when voting begins. We would much appreciate all your love and support.**

**Xx**

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**EPOV**

Fifteen years. Today was our fifteen year wedding anniversary and I still couldn't believe it. It seemed like just yesterday that I had bumped into Bella at Staples, each of us reaching for the last T91 graphing calculator on the shelf. She beat me to it, but only just barely, and only because I was distracted by her knee high stockings under her nice and short blue plaid skirt. She noticed the path of my gaze and blushed, a beautiful crimson creeping up her neck to her cheeks. I followed the progression of that rosy tint with my eyes, noting her soft, full lips and cute button nose. I finally dragged my eyes to hers, noticing how they widened subtly upon meeting mine. They were the most delectable shade of brown and reminded me of an endless pot of spiced apple cider.

I had asked her out on the spot, forgetting that I didn't get my calculator until later. We walked to the Dairy Queen across the street and she got a vanilla cone dipped in chocolate. We had become inseparable immediately, practically attached at the hip, and our families became quite used to the pair of us and our antics.

The years passed and we grew closer together, experiencing each and every "first" with one another, and seconds, thirds, fourths and so on. Once we were married, things had spiced up for a while, with toys and experiments keeping us both fulfilled and satisfied. Lately, however... the spark, once bright and vigorous, had dimmed to a distant, flickering, almost but not quite visible star. With rushed missionary and claims of headaches or fatigue taking over our lives, sex was no longer a priority. It was now a chore.

I wanted tonight to be special, to remind myself, and more importantly Bella, that the amazing love we once shared was still there, at least for me, and as strong and all consuming as ever. That was why I was standing here, covered in flour and bread crumbs and sweating my ass off as I tried to make a surprise dinner for my beloved Bella.

The chicken was in the oven roasting, the potatoes set to boil on the stove, and I was leaning against the counter treating myself to a glass of Chianti. My nerves were on full tilt tonight because I was planning on doing something I had never done before. In my hopes to make this night as special as possible for Bella, and also knocking her socks off with my sexual prowess, I was about to pop one of those little blue pills.

I raised it in front of my face, pinched between my forefinger and thumb, and inspected it carefully before placing it on my tongue. I washed it down with my wine, wincing at the bitter aftertaste it left in my mouth. I hoped this would be able to help me go just a little bit longer than usual, and in doing so, provide Bella with hours of pleasure that she had never dreamed of.

I turned the heat down on the stove and oven and made my way upstairs to freshen up and get dressed. Once in the shower I lathered myself up fully. As my hand grazed over my flaccid cock a vision of Bella with her soft, pink lips wrapped around my raging member floated into my head. I groaned in appreciation and let my eyes flutter shut as the image intensified all the more. I could see her big doe eyes looking up at me all hooded and filled with longing as she flicked her tongue along my shaft. I braced myself against the wall with one hand while the other roamed my body till it came in contact with my now very aroused, very aching member. I slowly tugged in time with her lips in my head. Soft groans and small whimpers escaped my slightly parted lips. It had been too long since something like that had happened for real, and just the images of it were too much for me to bear. I came with a loud grunt, spilling my seed down the drain and slumping against the cool ceramic tiles with a contented groan.

Tonight had to work, it just had to. I needed my Bella back, I needed _us _back.

I walked to the table, setting the china plates down and adjusting the silverware around them as I wondered when Bella would arrive. I turned to move back towards the kitchen, grazing my still hard penis against the edge of the table and wincing at the sensation. Gingerly, I reached down and adjusted myself, hoping that we would be able to finish dinner quickly so I could plunge my manhood into her and relieve this awful aching and throbbing feeling. I had no idea that one tiny pill could cause so much discomfort.

I was carrying the bottle of wine to the table as I heard the door open and the sharp clicking of Bella's heels on our tile floor.

"Edward? Are you home?" I could hear her placing her purse and keys on the table before walking towards me. "What are you-" She rounded the corner into the dining room, words leaving her as she took in the sight. Candlesticks and votives littered the table, casting their flickering light over the fine china and crystal stemware I had set up. I walked towards her, pressing a glass of wine into her hand and kissing her cheek. I flinched as my groin rubbed lightly against her hip, my erection continuing to be painful as it strained against my fly.

Bella gasped and pulled back slightly, winding her free arm around my waist and grinning at me slyly. "What on Earth is this? Dinner, candles and a little something extra down below?" She gyrated her hips into mine slowly, causing the pain to flare and a grimace to settle on my face. I attempted to smile to hide it but feared I only looked constipated.

"Edward, are you okay?" Bella asked, pulling back and looking into my eyes. I screwed my face up, put on my best smile and nodded. No need to worry her over a throbbing erection. At least not in that way.

Dinner went great. Bella moaned and made the most fucking delectable sounds through the whole meal. I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle dessert if she kept it up.

As I was clearing the plates and grabbing dessert from the fridge Bella joined me in the kitchen, "Need some help?" She asked as she reached up into the cupboard to grab some dessert plates, this action caused her skirt to hike up considerably and the milky white flesh I knew to be silky soft taunted me. Without even thinking, without even realizing what I was doing, I grabbed her by the waist and spun her towards me, crashing my lips and my arousal against her simultaneously. Bella gasped in surprise, her surprise quickly turning into that of want. She moaned into my mouth, her tongue now almost as dominant as mine. Seemed I wasn't the only one missing our daily sexcapades. Her left leg came up and hooked securely on my ass. I could feel the heat emanating from her core and it drove me wild with desire. I hoisted her up, her skirt tearing in the process, _oh well, I'll buy her a new one tomorrow_, and hauled her up the stairs, directly into our bedroom.

We hadn't even hit the bed yet when I began tearing at her shirt, buttons popping and flying everywhere in my haste. "Someone sure is excited to see me." Bella said teasingly. _If she only knew how much!_

"I am always excited to see you. Tonight, however, I plan to spend the _whole_ night showing you just how much." I growled as my lips wrapped around her bra covered nipple, nipping and tugging as the sweetest sounds fell from Bella's parted lips. Each one caused my straining dick to twitch in anticipation and impatience.

Bella's arms snaked around my back, tracing lightly up over my shoulders and neck till they wound in my hair. She wove her fingers through it and pulled, pretty damn hard, guiding my mouth back to hers. Her legs wrapped around my hips, and I felt her pressing her pelvis against my throbbing cock. I groaned loudly into her mouth; my dick fucking _hurt_. Pulling back from her, I pushed her gently back onto the bed before easing down her body slowly, pressing wet kisses down her chest and stomach as I worked my way to her hot little pussy. I bent down and placed my mouth over her panties, breathing heavily against the sensitive flesh. I grasped the fabric in my teeth and used them to pull the skimpy lace down her legs, tossing it from my mouth once I passed her brightly painted toenails. I crouched between her legs, meeting her gaze straight on and noting how dilated her pupils were. I leaned down, flicking my tongue against her clit, eliciting a sharp gasp from Bella as I savored her taste. Normally I would spend what seemed like forever down here, lapping and sucking to my heart's content as I tasted her unique flavor, but tonight I was on a mission: I needed to fuck her senseless, as soon as possible, and get rid of this raging hard on.

I pulled back slowly, leaning over her as I traced her entrance with one finger. I felt her bucking her hips against me, trying to force my finger fully inside her. I chuckled darkly before taking my hand away.

"Oh no, Bella, that won't do at all." I angled myself above her, leaning my weight on my hands at either side of her head. "Tonight I'm only going to fuck you with one thing: my dick." I plunged myself into her, sheathing myself in one quick stroke within her heat. Bella moaned her approval, her legs hooking over my ankles as she tried to meet my thrusts, her hands grasping wildly against my back as I pummeled her repeatedly. She felt so fucking good but I was nowhere near release; apparently my stint in the shower earlier had lengthened my playing time now.

"Fuck, Edward! So.. fucking.. deep.." Bella could barely speak due to my insane rhythm, her body being jostled across the bed as I slammed into her tight pussy. I tried my best to keep her in one spot but the animalistic side of me took over and I could barely think straight. I needed to fucking get off, needed it like I needed air to breathe. My dick felt like it was going to fall off it was in so much pain. I had to do something and fast.

I pulled out of her suddenly, flipping her on her stomach and plowing into her from behind. I gripped her hair, pulling it over her shoulder and winding my hand in it as I tugged her head back towards me. Something about seeing her head angled back towards me, her eyes heavily lidded and her full lips pouting, while I watched myself disappear into her over and over again pushed me over the edge, and I exploded into her with a deep, guttural growl ripping from my chest.

I collapsed next to her on the bed, enjoying the rush of sensations that always pulsed through me when I came. Bella pushed herself up on her elbows, her hair a tangled, matted mess sticking up in every direction from my pulling. She slowly turned her head towards me, a dazed expression on her flushed face and a goofy smile creeping across her lips.  
"Holy... Edward. Fuck. I..." She clumsily laid on her side, her arms shooting out from under her as she fell onto the mattress. She reached one shaky hand towards me, running her fingers lightly down my jaw before scooting closer and burying her face in my chest. I held her limply, exhausted and satisfied.

She turned slightly, her hip brushing against my dick, and I hissed at the feel of her soft curves touching my sensitive skin. I gently pushed her away, glancing down and freaking the fuck out when I saw my dick was still fully erect.

"Bella... I think we have a problem." Her eyes followed my gaze and landed upon my aching dick, still excruciatingly painful even after I blew my load. She arched an eyebrow playfully, reaching down to wrap her fingers around my dick. As soon as her soft fingers grazed the head of my cock, I was ready for round two. I pulled her hand away and in one swift motion placed her tiny body above me. Her hot, wet core slipped down my erection, eliciting a painful hiss from me.

Bella leaned forward, pressing her lips and ample chest against me before reaching in between us and angling me so I just slipped into her with ease. The heat and pressure from within her dripping core soothed the burning ache in my now pulsating cock as she rose and slammed down on me repeatedly. I groaned and cussed and grasped onto her ass to assist her movements.

"God, Edward, so good..." Bella panted out, throwing her head back in ecstasy, her body bending at an odd angle from the motion and sending a tingling sensation straight to my groin.

I growled savagely and rammed her harder than I ever had before. I prayed I wasn't hurting her, but was unable to stop myself none-the-less. The pleasure, the relief, the build up...was just too good to let go.

"Love, your pussy is fucking amazing. I could fuck it endlessly and still never tire of it. Come for me, baby. Come on my raging cock."

Bella gasped in response and lowered her trembling fingers to her swollen nub. Stroking it slowly at first before building up speed and writhing wildly above me. The sight of her body quivering post orgasm threw me over the edge. I slid my hand around her slender waist and went for the gold, desperate for her to come with me and not able to hold it any longer. I slid my middle finger into her surprisingly wet anus and fucking growled throughout the most intense orgasm of my existence. I continued my ministrations, praying she'd find her release soon. What I didn't expect, however, was the feeling of Bella's heated pussy milking my dick and her ass pulsating rapidly around my finger to be so fucking intense. For the third time I blew my load and this time, unlike the first two, it was excruciatingly painful.

In a heap, Bella rolled off of me, her chest rising and falling erratically as she struggled to regain her breathing. I watched through half open eyes as her hand reached across me and pulled me close to her sweaty body. I smiled. It was over, it had to be over. Right?

My eyes widened as I glanced down and noticed my member _still _at full mast. What the fuck! Am I broken or some shit? No off button?

Just then Bella draped her leg over my torso, grazing my perma-rod in the process. I hissed in pain and knocked her leg away quickly, cupping myself as gently as I could as I moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

Bella wrapped the sheet around herself, kneeling behind me before speaking in a soft voice. "Edward? What's wrong? Is everything OK?"

I shook my head silently; how do I explain to my wife that I took a Viagra and I think it's going to fucking assassinate my dick?!

"I think," I paused, clearing my throat loudly before continuing, "I think I need to go to the hospital."

~~oo~~

Bella was clearly confused as she jumped off the bed and hastily threw on some clothes. I, too, got dressed, choosing my baggiest pair of track pants and a hoodie.

Bella wrapped her arm around me, helping my limping form to the car as best as she could with her small frame. Never once did she ask me why I needed to go to the hospital, which I found weird. I guess maybe she just assumed I wasn't feeling well.

Bella drove faster than anything she ever considered a reasonable speed. Skimming through red lights, she cast me frantic worried looks. She screeched to a sudden halt when she couldn't beat the traffic lights and sighed softly.

She was obviously waiting for me to say something. I inhaled a deep breath of air and let it out slowly._ I can do this, _I thought to myself, _I can tell my wife how messed up my lower anatomy is, and tell her I may have permanently broken one of my most valued appendages. _

"Bella..." I spoke softly, nervously, tentatively.

"Edward, what is it? Are you okay, does it hurt more? Are you going to tell me what is wrong now?" Bella rattled nervously.

I sighed, this was it. Hopefully she didn't deem me a complete tool.

"I took a Viagra in hopes to be able to please you, and well... it seems something went wrong with that plan. 'Cause now I am in immense pain and ummm...can't get it down?" I whispered bashfully, almost as a question, not quite an explanation.

Bella slammed on the brakes and turned, gaping at me. Shame and insecurity flamed through every morsel of my being. Was she disgusted with me? Finally realizing how defective and aging my body has become? Will she understand? Will she want to leave me? Be with another man who can...uhh...ummm...perform properly? I turned my face towards the floor mats, my cheeks burning in shame. There was no way she would want to continue as a willing partner with me now, especially if I had permanently injured myself.

I heard a muffled sound, akin to a sob, coming from my left. Cautiously, I adjusted my aching package before glancing towards Bella's shaking form. Her face was covered with her hands, her hair partially obscuring my view of her reaction to my confession. I ran a hand through my hair, squirming in my seat at the thought of the coming tempest. I sighed loudly, shaking my head as I launched into a rant.

"Listen, Bella, I did this for us, for _you_, and if this embarrasses you or upsets you, I'm sorry. Fuck, you can't just leave me sitting here like this! At least take me to the hospital before you have your breakdown. My fucking dick is KILLING me!"

My chest was heaving, and I felt as if I was shooting daggers at Bella with my eyes. I glared at her as she slowly straightened, dragging her fingers down her face and exposing the glittery trails her tears had made on her cheeks. Her lips trembled as quick, panting breaths escaped her mouth. Her arms moved to wrap around her stomach, hugging herself tightly, and I fumed impossibly more at the thought of her needing comfort. I was the one in danger of losing a vital piece of my anatomy! Suddenly, Bella snorted.

Not some dainty little squeak, either. It was a full blown, nose-clearing, porcine reminiscent _snort_.

It seemed to break the dam, too, because as soon as it was out, Bella's eyes flew open in surprise and what followed can only be referred to as complete and utter hysterics. Tears streaked down her face again as she doubled over, nearly smacking her face on the steering wheel. I sat, indignant and outraged, as she laughed at my expense. Stiffly, I turned in my seat to face away from her disgusting display of mirth.

"_Isabella_, could you please just drop me off at the nearest emergency room, please." This seemed to only spur her on, as she began smacking the steering wheel with one hand and clutching my shoulder with the other. It sounded as if she were trying to choke out words but was rendered unable by the loud guffaws escaping her.

"THAT IS FUCKING ENOUGH, BELLA! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL! FOR JESUS SAKE, MY BALLS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE!" My sudden explosion seemed to shock her out of her hysterics like a slap to the face. Instantly sobered, she shifted the car into drive and took off like a bat out of hell. We pulled up to Seattle General five agonizing minutes later, Bella letting me off at the door as she went to park the car. I waddled inside, finding my way to the triage desk and swallowing nervously as I made my way up to it. A fairly attractive blond woman sat on the phone, nail file in hand, snapping her gum as she spoke into the mouthpiece. She held up a finger without looking my way and carried on with her conversation, something about plunging and moist and chicken cutlets. The added stimulation didn't help and I let out a groan as I felt my pants become tighter than I thought possible.

I seemed to attract her attention with my perma-rection, as her lacquered mouth formed a perfect "O" and her eyes widened drastically. I wasn't sure how this was possible with all the mascara she had loaded onto her eyelashes, as it seemed that each eyelid must weigh at least a pound. She quickly caught herself and smiled up at me, showing each of her impressively fluorescent white teeth in a rather scary fashion. Was she going to bite me?

"Good evening, sir. Is there something I could..." Her eyes roamed over my body suggestively, "_do_ for you?" My mouth went dry at the sight of her crossing her legs and running her tongue over her front teeth. Perhaps I should find a different hospital or a different staff member? At the thought of the words "staff" and "member" I remembered again why I was here with a sharp ache shooting through my junk.

"I... uh... well, it seems that I've... um.. Ihaveanerectionthatwon'tgoaway." I spat out in one breath, hoping like hell that she would act professionally, even though I seriously doubted that I would get away without being groped repeatedly, if not dragged into the janitor's closet and ravaged against my will.

Her jaw dropped even further as she tried to interpret my mumbling. Understanding dawned in her eyes like the sun breaking over mountains, and a smirk spread across her heavily glossed mouth.

"Well, I am sure I can help you with that Mr...."

"Cullen." I finished for her in a clipped tone. I could already see where this was going.

"Mr. Cullen," The blond bimbo purred. I shuddered. Where the hell was Bella? I needed her here to protect me from Nurse Ratchet, who was currently fixated on my straining pants and appeared as if she hadn't eaten in days and was famished.

"Here, let me take you to an exam room and get you undressed." _What?_ She grabbed a clip board and walked around the counter. Realistically I knew I would have to take my pants off. But something about this girl gave a whole new meaning to the saying 'keep it in your pants' and that kinda scared the shit out of me. I had never been shy, but in this very moment I could honestly say I was shaking in my loafers at the thought of producing my junk for the hip-slammer in front of me. _Gulp!_ Here goes nothing. I followed behind her like a man walking to his execution. If the pain in my aching balls didn't kill me, the innuendos I was receiving from the nurse sure as shit might just fucking do the trick. Can one die from embarrassment and repulsion? I think I was about to find out.

"Here, you need to fill these out and can change into this. I will be back shortly to ask you some questions." A chill ran up my spine as she smirked, licking her teeth suggestively as she slowly slunk out of the room.

How the hell did that look not make my boner shrivel up and shrink away? Man, I am so fucked.

I quickly changed first, not wanting the nasty nurse to catch me with my pants around my ankles, God knows what she'd do to my poor behind. Then I sat in one of the chairs and began filling out the standard insurance forms. I was just adding my John Doe at the bottom of the form when the door swung open. No knock or anything to announce herself, before the nurse came swaying into the room with a look that made my legs quake.

"All done with that, doll? Here let me take that for you. Climb on up here and get comfy." She drawled, again with the teeth licking shit. _Does this hussy never give up? And where the fuck is my wife?_

I scurried over to the exam table and carefully hoisted myself onto it, not wanting to show any more skin than I already have and give her more incentive to attack me.

"Alright, when was the last time you took one of those little blue pills?" The nurse - Nurse Mallory as per her name tag - asked with a small snicker. I felt myself heat up with embarrassment.

"Six hours ago." I answered dejectedly.

Her head popped up and she looked at me with wide, shocked eyes. "And you are still this hard? Did you need the help to begin with or were you just experimenting?" _Huh?_

"Ummm...I uhh...wanted to last longer for my _wife._" I replied, emphasizing ''wife'' as best I could, hoping maybe that would deter any ideas she had blossoming in her bubbly little mind.

She continued on with her questions and I answered her the best I could without dying from sheer horror. Each question grew more and more intimate and inappropriate.

"And where might your wife be now?" Nurse Mallory asked, as she took a step towards me. She leaned down to take something out from a drawer below the bed I was laying on, leaving me with a nice view of her ample cleavage. Damn she had nice big tits. _Wait! What the fuck was I thinking? This damn Viagra is messing with my perception too._

No matter what my head was saying right now, my dick apparently had grown one of its own and was throbbing impossibly harder with each button that strained on Nurse Mallory's tight white top.

_Where the fuck is Bella?  
_  
"The doctor will be right in. I just need to take your temperature and blood pressure." She purred in a way that sounded more like a cat chocking out its last mewls than the actual cute sound one would make when cuddled contently in your lap.

Surprisingly she behaved while taking my stats and that calmed me momentarily, but it didn't last long. After she wrote everything down on her chart she turned to me practically drooling, "Now let's take a look at this _problem_ of yours."

Frantically I searched the room with my eyes, praying to God that Bella would walk in at any moment. She only had to park the car, that couldn't take any longer than it already had, could it? My heart rate sped up as I heard her tinkling laugh coming from far down the hallway, followed by a massive booming chuckle that must have belonged to a fucking giant or something. Their footsteps halted outside my door, and I listened hard to their hushed conversation.

"Jake, be nice. I know you haven't seen Edward for a long time, but he's really in no position to get into a pissing contest with you right now." I heard her unladylike snort followed by a deep, rumbling laugh. Jake who?!

"Bella, that's what I'm here to find out. Although from the story you've told me so far, I doubt he'll be pissing with any accuracy for the next few days." I heard more muffled laughter as my face flushed in embarrassment. "What fucking possessed him to take Viagra anyway? He's only in his early forties! Please tell me he doesn't need that shit already, Bells. I'd never need those pills if you were with me, you know." His voice leered suggestively with that comment and it took everything in me not to jump off the exam table and throat punch the bastard. I seethed inwardly as I listened to Bella's response. "Jake, come on. He was just trying to liven things up a little bit; it's been fifteen years, you know. Do you honestly think he would have taken that shit if he knew this was how it would end up?" Her approaching footsteps echoed through the room as I pretended that I didn't just overhear them.

Bella walked in and came straight to my side, twining her fingers through mine as she gave me a bright smile; however, my attention was drawn to the huge mountain of a man that followed her in. He must have stood well over six and a half feet, with black hair that stuck up in every direction making him seem even taller. I was surprised he didn't have to duck when he came through the doorway. His black eyes and white teeth stood out from his dark skin, flashing and shining as he grinned in my direction.

"Edward! Long time no see, bud. What seems to be the matter?" His face was alight with mischief as he glanced down at the tent formed in my lap. "Never mind; I think I've figured that out. So, I don't mean to be a _dick_, but I couldn't help noticing you pitching a tent. I think that less is more in this situation, don't you? Nurse Mallory, why don't you step out and give us some privacy, yeah?"

The nurse's face flushed dark red at this comment; as she straightened her scrubs and stomped from the room I felt a rush of relief shoot straight to my penis. I had been in mortal fear that it wouldn't survive the night if she got ahold of it. I heard Bella clear her throat next to me and my eyes travelled up her lush form to meet her gaze.

"Well, Eddie..." Jake interrupted, "Don't feel ri-DICK-ulous about this." He placed extra emphasis on 'dick' and grinned like a fool as he spoke. "Lots of men have this issue, but not many your age and without the typical health issues have the _balls_ to take that pill."

I glanced at Bella in agony, feeling every innuendo like a cocktail spear right to the nuts. Couldn't he just fix me and get it over with? No, of course not. He had to fucking ridicule me first. Jake carried on with his farce of a medical explanation.

"I don't want to _dick _around with you about this, Eddster. You may not realize this, but this could be a potentially _explosive _situation. Your _penis _can sustain serious damage from an _erection _lasting four hours or longer. I don't mean to _bust your balls_ or anything, honestly I don't, but it would take a really _schlong _time for this to go away by itself and by then you could be _shooting blanks_ or even lose your _dick_ forever. I might even need to call Dr. _Johnson_, the specialist, for this one."

For the love of all that's holy, if Bella snorted and sputtered one more time, and if he continued to use these awful excuses for jokes, I was out of here. This was my fucking DICK they were talking about! It's not like a man can live without one! I met Jake's stare with my own, my cheeks feeling hot and sweat beading on my upper lip. The throbbing in my penis felt as if there were a miniature marching band, complete with drums and cymbals, playing out the greatest fight songs of all time down there. I groaned in pain just as Jake spoke again.

"Dude, I'm going to have to stick a needle in it."

I threw up a little in my mouth at his words and Bella gasped. A needle in my fucking COCK?! I don't fucking think so! I began thrashing around the bed, trying to dig myself out of the gown and sheets the nurse had settled me in, as I went on a mindless rant.

"Fucking stupid doctor and his fucking stupid needles isn't going anywhere near my fucking dick, that's for damn sure. Fucking needle? My ass! I'll go to another hospital; this one is full of fucking crazy fuckers anyway." I gathered my shirt and jeans in one hand as I clasped my gown shut in the back with the other. My eyes roamed the room in a frenzy as Bella chased me around, trying to talk me into staying and listening to crazy Dr. Jacob I'm-a-fucking-asshole-that-wants-to-stick-a-needle-in-my-high-school-rival's-dick Black.

"ENOUGH!" I roared, spinning my body to face them both. Bella stood frozen in place as Jacob moved slightly in front of her with upraised hands, their postures showing their concern over my outburst. I didn't care; no one was poking my disco stick with a fucking needle. "This is not what was supposed to happen. Let me tell you how this will work. You put some of that numbing shit on my dick; better yet, let Bella put it on me. Then, when I've decided I won't be able to feel anything, you can do whatever the fuck you want to it. However, you have to keep that crazy fucking bitch Nurse Mallory out of this room at all times! Just give me my fucking dick back in one fucking piece, alright?!"

Bella moved forward, throwing her arms around me as she buried her face in my chest. She turned her face to the side and spoke in a low voice to Jake without letting go of me. "Do you have something like a sedative that you could give him? I think this would work out better if he was less... tense. Right, baby?" Her eyes met mine and I nodded, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Valium sounded fucking mint right now. I watched Dr. Douchebag hustle out the door and shook my head in disgust.

Bella led me towards the exam table and I scooted myself up, laying back and closing my eyes. "Bella, honey, please just promise me you won't let him do any weird shit to my dick, ok? And... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin our anniversary; I only wanted to give you a night you'd remember forever." I cracked an eye to take in her reaction, wishing I hadn't when I saw her giggle to herself.

"Edward... I don't think there's a single part of this night that I'll forget, baby. Let's get you fixed up so we can go home." Loud steps approached the bed again as Dr. Fuckwad thrust a small cup into my hand. I tipped it back and felt the pill move down my throat as I swallowed it dry. I threw my arm over my eyes, not wanting to let even the smallest light in to my vision. I wanted to block everything out; let the Valium take me far, far away from here and my stupid ideas.

Ten minutes later, I felt a hand moving the sheet off of my body. I was disoriented and confused; the Valium must have been a higher dose than I was used to, because I felt as if I were floating out of my body somewhere between consciousness and dreaming. The hand returned, dragging lightly up my thigh before slipping under my hospital gown. I felt the anticipation building as it moved closer to my dick, _Oh sweet Jesus, Bella was teasing the fuck out of me, _as the hand swept in small circles around my package.

Groaning quietly, I shifted my hips to aid that hand with coming into direct contact with my aching dick. A jolt of pleasure spread through me as it grasped me firmly, cool liquid heightening each sensation as it was spread around my pulsing organ. Gently, I thrust myself upward, sighing at the feel of her hand spreading the thick gel all over my heated skin. The hand tightened as it reached the tip before twisting slightly as it pushed back down towards the base of my shaft. I had never felt anything like this before; perhaps the Valium had relaxed me to a state that I was better able to enjoy Bella's ministrations.

As she made her next pass to the head of my dick, I thought it was strange that Bella's hand felt rougher than it normally did. Her nightly routine of lotioning her hands usually kept them much smoother than they were now; I'd have to get her some of that expensive lotion she loved so much as a thank you for not freaking out over tonight. I felt the fingers rub over my balls, squeezing them lightly before returning to my cock. This really had to stop, I mean, it felt amazing and I knew I would bust a nut if we weren't in the hospital preparing for someone to do a procedure on the very appendage she was clutching so tightly.

I lifted my arm, placing my hand on hers lightly as a warning to slow down. Her arm felt... different than normal. Thicker, almost, with a fairly decent amount of hair on it. I rubbed my hand from wrist to elbow, feeling the different texture of the skin and slowly realizing that something wasn't right here.

I opened my eyes at once, noting Bella's complete absence from the room. My frightened eyes met with those of the janitor, his hand still moving ever so slightly in my crotch. I let out a bloodcurdling scream before everything started getting hazy around the edges. That's the last thing I remember.


	2. Round one of VOTING pls read

As many of you know, myself and my dear friend, Fragile Human, entered the FML contest with our one shot 'SCARED STIFF- ADVENTURES OF THE ONE-EYED RISING PURPLE PUSSY BEATER - did you like it???

If you've yet to read it - it is posted in my stories- please do. I promise a good giggle and a seat squirm for your time.

Anywho - the first round of voting has begun! *shaking in my knickers* and I would love it if you'd for for me/us or your fav entry if mine wasn't it.....

Link is http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/2187120/FML_Contest#

Ping me if for some reason that didn't work- and remember u will have to change the (dot) to actual . lol

thanks bundles for all of your support and kind words.

PS....updates for DR, TSv and NSG as well as the continuation for Black Sunday v-day one shot- are all coming your way next weekend for 'readers appreciation day' so sorry for the waits on some of them- I totes planned to post on my b-day (Feb 21) as a happy birthday gift on my b-day to you....lil backwards there, but what eves.....but then I got asked to participate with posting updates on the RAD - so.....hope u forgive me.

lurvs you all.

Mwah~

Kelli - Breath-of-twilight


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